The sometimes overexagerated thoughtful meanderings of a Midtown monkey.

Have you ever thought about what it is to be a grown up? I have. I don’t like it. Things get more complicated and unsure. When you’re a child you’re more sure about the more important things. You may not know a lot of stuff but, you know what you like. When you make a decision you don’t dwell on asking yourself if it was the right decision.

I was at the Pink Palace Crafts Fair a few years ago with my mother and my sister. I was standing toward the end of a huge tent full of shitty crafts. I looked outside and saw this little kid, maybe 4 years old, sitting on the ground in the dry, dusty dirt. He was scooping the dirt with his hands and moving it into a big pile of dusty brown. I watched him for a minute, wondering what in the hell the little tyke was doing. Then I saw the look on his face. This kid was mesmerized. He was so happy playing in the dirt and making himself a little dirt mound.

It made me wonderfully happy and yet, somehow sad. I realized that I had lost that. I had lost that simple ability to be happy no matter the situation. The ability to find joy in the smallest, simplest and most mundane of things. As you get older and become an adult, it takes bigger and more complicated things to make you happy. Objects, cars, houses, drinking, drugs, sex. A child can be happy with some dry dirt. Why do we lose this as we get older? What is it that changes in us?

A child is able to make a decision about something withing becoming paralyzed by the possible consequences of that decision. Without getting too sidetracked thinking about the other possibilities of outcomes if the had chosen a different path. A child picks a toy from a wall of toys and is content with that toy. The frustration of which toy to get doesn’t last as long as for an adult. The thoughts, wondering if you should have even bought it. Should I have done that? What would have happened if I hadn’t done that? Where would I be now? Was that the best way? The best decision? I don’t recall having that “the grass is greener on the other side” feeling so strongly when I was a child as I do now.

Now, as an adult, I’m able to reason more. With that comes doubt. With that comes analysis. The problem is, the analysis never yields answers. It only yields more questions. Should I have taken that job? Dated that girl? Let that person push me around? Shit gets more complicated and the decisions we’re faced with much more affecting on our lives. Do I play army or ninjas tonight has become do I work or get stupid drunk tonight? The consequences of these new things are much bigger. If I get drunk I may drive and get arrested. I may kill someone. If I work I can pay bills. Put food on the table and a roof over my head. If I don’t work tonight, can I still do those things? Is it worth it to blow off work for some booze tonight? I have to pay for the booze… Can I? Can I afford it? What if I get drunk and pick up some girl? Will we have sex? Will I knock her up? Will I get a disease? Will she be a serial killer and murder me in my sleep? What if I get drunk, pick up some girl, then drive and she ends up dead? What if I make a decision that has such massive and far reaching affects on my life that I can never take back?

Can’t I just go play in the dirt and be done with it? I’m tired of being an adult. I want to be a kid again. I want to not have to be stressed by thinking about the far reaching implications of every little thing I do.

Let’s all play in the dirt more often. Let’s stop all acting like we’re so important and so grown up. I think if the whole world did that, everyone would be much happier.