On my ways of being.

I quit smoking three weeks ago.

I’ve worked twelve hours today, smoked the better part of a pack, consumed a good 10 ounces of bourbon, 2 beers and some eighteen year old Caol Ila scotch whiskey. Now I’ve smoked a good one and am listening to “Sometimes” by Langhorne Slim off of his self titled album.

I realize, after conversation with my friend Orangutan, that I just don’t really care. I won’t elaborate on this. I just won’t. I will however say that it doesn’t really matter and I have to seek my own happiness. I can’t let myself be held back by the ghosts of my own wanton ways. I do of course mean (of a cruel or violent action) deliberate and unprovoked and not sexually immodest or promiscuous.. This comes from the dictionary. I can’t live my life by someone else’ wants.

Also, I really do have a tendency to make snap judgments about people, leaving them with the burden of proof that they aren’t who I assumed them to be. It’s a weakness of mine. More often than not things turn out fine in the end and honestly, I am often right. This said, it’s not fair and it often causes me to accuse people of things or of being a certain way that I don’t like. It really isn’t fair.

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How Very Interesting

So tonight was rather interesting. I went and had a couple of beers with a friend that I wouldn’t necessarily have expected to do that with and well, I was surprised. She wasn’t really what I had come to expect. In a good way. The conversation was much thicker than I had imagined it would be. Heavier and more meaningful.

Hmmm… Well, we shall see. We shall see. For now, I’ll see what happens. Not really in a mood to push anything at all. I’ll just let it flow and see where I end up. Of course, this is usually what I do. Things don’t always end up where I expect them too. Sometimes I end up in not so great places, sometimes in great. All I know is that I’ve never regretted any of it as the journey there is always such a scenic route. People, places and things continue to surprise me and keep me on my toes. I’ve never regretted anything, anyone or anyplace. I can say that much.

And so, adieu, and wish me luck!

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Broken.

Last night I did one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I really feel broken by it but in the end, I know it was the right thing. Pain ebbs. Hopefully one day we’ll both be able to look back at it and see that it was indeed right. I hope. The sad thing though is that there really isn’t any way to know and be one hundred percent sure. There are always questions and what-ifs. Should I have tried to work it out? Did I do the right thing? Was I unreasonable? Was it really a lost cause? Would things have changed? There’s no way to know without continuing on to see. The problem with that though is that continuing on could make things worse. So all you can really do is look at it and make your best prognostication and hope for the best.

I chose to end the relationship. I hope I was right. More importantly though, I hope she’s okay. It was never a question of love. It was a question of sustainability.

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Red, White, and Blue Beasties – Musings From Years Ago

scary plane

Here’s something I wrote a while back.

I sit here in my grey, melting, wingback chair that has become my cocoon of solitary confinement and it hits me: I’ve gone over the horizon. Standing in my yard tonight, smoking a joint, and drinking a beer; I was rather frightened that the metal beasties, with their brazen red, white and blue lights were leaping over the roof of my house, flying sideways and attempting to spring upon me with their menacing roar and little cabin lights when I wasn’t looking.
It was horrifying, like Harkins’ balls. I’m stoned beyond belief… drunk…  it’s quite possibly the happiest that I’ve been in a long time. I just lie in the grass of my front yard, accepting the continuing metallic assault on my senses.

I really want to do some shrooms and go camping.

I think I’m losing my mind in small, tiny increments.

That’s pretty much all I wanted to say.

Yeah, anyway, I guess it’s maybe the best thing I’ve ever written as far as my ability to convey a feeling goes. So yeah.

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Plans For This Site

TarsierSo, what I want to do is start doing interviews with folks around town. I’m about to start working on a monkey suit. Not tux, a real monkey suit. I bought a pattern and my friend Laurel is gonna help me sew it with fake fur and all. Basically I want to interview people about whatever. Who they are, what they do, what they like, their plans for the future, etc. Then I  put them in the monkey suit and shoot a portrait of them, being as I’m a photographer (kinda) and all. I think it’ll be really interesting to see how people react to putting on the monkey suit. Some will feel self conscious and act weird. Some will go crazy. Some might be just really normal. Either way I think it’ll be awesome.

So, thoughts? Reaction? Wanna be interviewed?

Let me know.

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Growing Up Sucks, Let’s Play In The Dirt

feet-in-dirtcropHave you ever thought about what it is to be a grown up? I have. I don’t like it. Things get more complicated and unsure. When you’re a child you’re more sure about the more important things. You may not know a lot of stuff but, you know what you like. When you make a decision you don’t dwell on asking yourself if it was the right decision.

I was at the Pink Palace Crafts Fair a few years ago with my mother and my sister. I was standing toward the end of a huge tent full of shitty crafts. I looked outside and saw this little kid, maybe 4 years old, sitting on the ground in the dry, dusty dirt. He was scooping the dirt with his hands and moving it into a big pile of dusty brown. I watched him for a minute, wondering what in the hell the little tyke was doing. Then I saw the look on his face. This kid was mesmerized. He was so happy playing in the dirt and making himself a little dirt mound.

It made me wonderfully happy and yet, somehow sad. I realized that I had lost that. I had lost that simple ability to be happy no matter the situation. The ability to find joy in the smallest, simplest and most mundane of things. As you get older and become an adult, it takes bigger and more complicated things to make you happy. Objects, cars, houses, drinking, drugs, sex. A child can be happy with some dry dirt. Why do we lose this as we get older? What is it that changes in us?

A child is able to make a decision about something withing becoming paralyzed by the possible consequences of that decision. Without getting too sidetracked thinking about the other possibilities of outcomes if the had chosen a different path. A child picks a toy from a wall of toys and is content with that toy. The frustration of which toy to get doesn’t last as long as for an adult. The thoughts, wondering if you should have even bought it. Should I have done that? What would have happened if I hadn’t done that? Where would I be now? Was that the best way? The best decision? I don’t recall having that “the grass is greener on the other side” feeling so strongly when I was a child as I do now.

Now, as an adult, I’m able to reason more. With that comes doubt. With that comes analysis. The problem is, the analysis never yields answers. It only yields more questions. Should I have taken that job? Dated that girl? Let that person push me around? Shit gets more complicated and the decisions we’re faced with much more affecting on our lives. Do I play army or ninjas tonight has become do I work or get stupid drunk tonight? The consequences of these new things are much bigger. If I get drunk I may drive and get arrested. I may kill someone. If I work I can pay bills. Put food on the table and a roof over my head. If I don’t work tonight, can I still do those things? Is it worth it to blow off work for some booze tonight? I have to pay for the booze… Can I? Can I afford it? What if I get drunk and pick up some girl? Will we have sex? Will I knock her up? Will I get a disease? Will she be a serial killer and murder me in my sleep? What if I get drunk, pick up some girl, then drive and she ends up dead? What if I make a decision that has such massive and far reaching affects on my life that I can never take back?

Can’t I just go play in the dirt and be done with it? I’m tired of being an adult. I want to be a kid again. I want to not have to be stressed by thinking about the far reaching implications of every little thing I do.

Let’s all play in the dirt more often. Let’s stop all acting like we’re so important and so grown up. I think if the whole world did that, everyone would be much happier.

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Various Updates On What’s Going On!

So I had a convo with my step mother. She started into this whole thing about porches and society. Anyway, it was kinda weird because that’s what I’ve written about before and thought about writing a book about, if I could ever get my thoughts organized enough.

Anyway, on to other things. Have you been to Jesus Is Hot? If not then head on over. Laurel writes some pretty good things, even if the blog guts aren’t fully finished yet. Some links don’t work and such but, the site design is fucking awesome.

Also, I found out yesterday about this thing called CycloCrunk. Anybody know anything about it? The website is just a bunch of photos. Not info. It sounds cool, the photos looked interesting, if badly shot sometimes. I was thinking it sounds like it’d be a good photo op but, who knows really. It looks awfully dark which is a problem. Flash sucks in situations like that.

And… I have a date tonight. woo hoo!

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Memphis Late Night Scene

The late night scene in Memphis is well… on weekends it’s okay before 2am. On weekdays… it doesn’t exist. There are however, some people that are trying. Take Cafe Eclectic. On Thursday, Friday, and Saturday they’ve started The Late Night Bobby & Brian Barista Show where they’re open till 1am. Can I just say that this makes me ÜBER happy? I mean, finally, something non bar that’s open past midnight. Geez. Now, if people would just show up en masse and help support it then they may expand to be open later and more often. So, everyone needs to get up off their asses and show some support to the Memphis late night. Go give Bobby and Brian some monies so it’s worth it to them. I mean, Bobby misses valuable WoW play time to do this. Say thanks!

coffeecrop

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New Directions

First of all, as you can see, my old theme is back. Something went wrong with the new one and I don’t have time to troubleshoot it at the moment.

Second. I’m changing the way I do business. I’m opening myself up. I’m not gonna be such a stingy bastard anymore. I’m going to stop fixating on things so much and open myself to new possibilities.

And you know what? I’m actually kinda excited about it and I think I might like this. Heck, I like her. For a long time I wasn’t sure but once I got my head out of my ass… which it’s been there for a very, very long time. That’s not to say I don’t still care about maybe. I do but man, you gotta move on. I mean, it ain’t happenin’. Know what I mean? And I let myself get sucked into that for so long and so blindly that I’ve shut out other people that are really awesome.

So no more. It’s done. I can’t wait for Thursday. That’s all I’m sayin’. I really can’t.

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Sometimes…

Sometimes we aren’t sure.

Sometimes we’re confused.

Sometimes we do things without thinking.

Sometimes without knowing why.

Sometimes we aren’t sure.

Sometimes we’re sure.

Sometimes we just act.

Sometimes we utterly fail to act.

Sometimes we regret.

Sometimes we love.

Sometimes we hurt.

Sometimes we laugh and sometimes we cry.

Sometimes we don’t even know why.

Sometimes we learn,

sometimes we don’t.

Sometimes I think about all of these things and realize that being a monkey is just really fucking confusing.

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