I chose to end the relationship. I hope I was right. More importantly though, I hope she’s okay. It was never a question of love. It was a question of sustainability.

Here’s something I wrote a while back.

I sit here in my grey, melting, wingback chair that has become my cocoon of solitary confinement and it hits me: I’ve gone over the horizon. Standing in my yard tonight, smoking a joint, and drinking a beer; I was rather frightened that the metal beasties, with their brazen red, white and blue lights were leaping over the roof of my house, flying sideways and attempting to spring upon me with their menacing roar and little cabin lights when I wasn’t looking.
It was horrifying, like Harkins’ balls. I’m stoned beyond belief… drunk…  it’s quite possibly the happiest that I’ve been in a long time. I just lie in the grass of my front yard, accepting the continuing metallic assault on my senses.

I really want to do some shrooms and go camping.

I think I’m losing my mind in small, tiny increments.

That’s pretty much all I wanted to say.

Yeah, anyway, I guess it’s maybe the best thing I’ve ever written as far as my ability to convey a feeling goes. So yeah.

So, thoughts? Reaction? Wanna be interviewed?

Let me know.

I was at the Pink Palace Crafts Fair a few years ago with my mother and my sister. I was standing toward the end of a huge tent full of shitty crafts. I looked outside and saw this little kid, maybe 4 years old, sitting on the ground in the dry, dusty dirt. He was scooping the dirt with his hands and moving it into a big pile of dusty brown. I watched him for a minute, wondering what in the hell the little tyke was doing. Then I saw the look on his face. This kid was mesmerized. He was so happy playing in the dirt and making himself a little dirt mound.

It made me wonderfully happy and yet, somehow sad. I realized that I had lost that. I had lost that simple ability to be happy no matter the situation. The ability to find joy in the smallest, simplest and most mundane of things. As you get older and become an adult, it takes bigger and more complicated things to make you happy. Objects, cars, houses, drinking, drugs, sex. A child can be happy with some dry dirt. Why do we lose this as we get older? What is it that changes in us?

A child is able to make a decision about something withing becoming paralyzed by the possible consequences of that decision. Without getting too sidetracked thinking about the other possibilities of outcomes if the had chosen a different path. A child picks a toy from a wall of toys and is content with that toy. The frustration of which toy to get doesn’t last as long as for an adult. The thoughts, wondering if you should have even bought it. Should I have done that? What would have happened if I hadn’t done that? Where would I be now? Was that the best way? The best decision? I don’t recall having that “the grass is greener on the other side” feeling so strongly when I was a child as I do now.

Now, as an adult, I’m able to reason more. With that comes doubt. With that comes analysis. The problem is, the analysis never yields answers. It only yields more questions. Should I have taken that job? Dated that girl? Let that person push me around? Shit gets more complicated and the decisions we’re faced with much more affecting on our lives. Do I play army or ninjas tonight has become do I work or get stupid drunk tonight? The consequences of these new things are much bigger. If I get drunk I may drive and get arrested. I may kill someone. If I work I can pay bills. Put food on the table and a roof over my head. If I don’t work tonight, can I still do those things? Is it worth it to blow off work for some booze tonight? I have to pay for the booze… Can I? Can I afford it? What if I get drunk and pick up some girl? Will we have sex? Will I knock her up? Will I get a disease? Will she be a serial killer and murder me in my sleep? What if I get drunk, pick up some girl, then drive and she ends up dead? What if I make a decision that has such massive and far reaching affects on my life that I can never take back?

Can’t I just go play in the dirt and be done with it? I’m tired of being an adult. I want to be a kid again. I want to not have to be stressed by thinking about the far reaching implications of every little thing I do.

Let’s all play in the dirt more often. Let’s stop all acting like we’re so important and so grown up. I think if the whole world did that, everyone would be much happier.

Anyway, on to other things. Have you been to Jesus Is Hot? If not then head on over. Laurel writes some pretty good things, even if the blog guts aren’t fully finished yet. Some links don’t work and such but, the site design is fucking awesome.

Also, I found out yesterday about this thing called CycloCrunk. Anybody know anything about it? The website is just a bunch of photos. Not info. It sounds cool, the photos looked interesting, if badly shot sometimes. I was thinking it sounds like it’d be a good photo op but, who knows really. It looks awfully dark which is a problem. Flash sucks in situations like that.

And… I have a date tonight. woo hoo!

Second. I’m changing the way I do business. I’m opening myself up. I’m not gonna be such a stingy bastard anymore. I’m going to stop fixating on things so much and open myself to new possibilities.

And you know what? I’m actually kinda excited about it and I think I might like this. Heck, I like her. For a long time I wasn’t sure but once I got my head out of my ass… which it’s been there for a very, very long time. That’s not to say I don’t still care about maybe. I do but man, you gotta move on. I mean, it ain’t happenin’. Know what I mean? And I let myself get sucked into that for so long and so blindly that I’ve shut out other people that are really awesome.

So no more. It’s done. I can’t wait for Thursday. That’s all I’m sayin’. I really can’t.

Sometimes we’re confused.

Sometimes we do things without thinking.

Sometimes without knowing why.

Sometimes we aren’t sure.

Sometimes we’re sure.

Sometimes we just act.

Sometimes we utterly fail to act.

Sometimes we regret.

Sometimes we love.

Sometimes we hurt.

Sometimes we laugh and sometimes we cry.

Sometimes we don’t even know why.

Sometimes we learn,

sometimes we don’t.

Sometimes I think about all of these things and realize that being a monkey is just really fucking confusing.

I have that urge sometimes. Mostly it coincides with a low point in my mental status. I’m manic depressive so I get these crazy lows sometimes. When this happens I get really confused about everything. I mean, life everything. I start thinking about why I’m doing the things I’m doing. What’s the point? I mean, I’m just gonna die someday so who cares if I went to school, read this book or that, etc. I mean, why do I have a job? Why do I pay my rent? I think about these things and get sad. I get sad because if there’s no point, then what’s the point? I’m not making sense.

I had coffee with a dear friend who I want to more than friends with but at the moment we’re just friends and all but that’s okay because I’d just like to have this person in my life and that’s what really matters.

Rambling again.

We had coffee and we started talking about all of this. We’re both having serious issues with school. She hates it and wants to quit. I hate it and am wondering why I started again. I mean, I’m always bitching about freedom. Freedom from societal expectations, freedom from my boss and work. All sorts of freedoms. I mean, what I really want is to live in the woods in a little house that I’ve built, growing most of my own food and taking photos when I feel like it. I want to be able to sit with a mug of tea on a fall afternoon, watching to sunset as the air gets slightly hazy, enjoying the view and the moment. Not having to listen to cars and planes. Not having to stress about work the next day, or paying the rent. Or school. Or anything. I want to be free. But is this possible? Where does school play into this? Do I need an education? If I die before I finish school, will I have missed out? I mean, would it have been worth the delay on seeking my own happiness?

So I guess the question now is, do I just get in the car and drive away? Leaving all of the stress, responsibility and expectations behind? Is that possible or will I just get somewhere else and discover that I get trapped in the same situation? Is it possible to escape? Will it always be like this?

But what is happiness anyway? I guess for me it’s a sunset, my toes in the grass, and a woman I love next to me. That about sums it up. Oh yeah, and not having to be somewhere. I’m so tired of always having to be somewhere. Why are people always in such a fucking rush? What’s the huge hurry? You’re gonna die either way. Who cares if you made it wherever on time? What’s on time anyway? Made up. That’s what. When you’re dead no one is gonna be like, “Oh he was a good guy, always on time for work.” Fuck that. Who cares if you were? I’m more concerned with, “He was an alright guy.” Or… “That guy was happy.” “He didn’t let shit get in the way of happy. Of having a good time.” I mean, I go to work 40 hours a week. That’s 160 hours a month. 1,920 a year. I spend more time at work than I do awake at home. What is that? For what? So I can have this laptop I’m typing on? Who gives a fuck? Time is limited man. Life is limited. Get out and see the sunshine. I only have one life, why waste any of it?

I mean, will the job and school make me happier? What I really want doesn’t involve them. If I won the lottery tomorrow I wouldn’t buy a whole bunch of stuff. I’d buy some land and setup a trust that would support the modest things I would need living in the middle of nowhere taking photos of the beautiful things I find. That would make me happy.

Anyhow, I’m just way jacked on coffee right now and am rambling after a wonderful time having coffee with a wonderful girl that won’t date me right now and maybe not ever and we talked about life and what it all means and everything. Lo Fidelity style. I’m SO Rob.

[Heavy] sadness of Townes Van Zandt, the light pop concision of Buddy Holly, the tuneful jangle of the Beatles, the raw energy of the Ramones.

I think it’s fairly apt. Their latest album especially. They let loose with a lot more rock. The album can be streamed and listened to, in it’s entirety, from NPR’s website for the week prior to the album’s release, which might be today… I can’t remember.

The live show was really awesome but, in a way very strange and very sad. Strange because of the demographics of the crowd. I didn’t really expect to see so many frat boys and sorostitues there. Sure, not all frat boys are into Dave Mathews but still. These were just not your expected kids at this concert. I expected many more hipsters and folk hipsters. I didn’t expect to see so many women with shiny earrings and makeup on. Guys wearing khaki shorts and a Bud t-shirt. When the band played songs about deep, heartfelt love? The frat boys ate it up, singing along and cheering. I watched as some frat boy got upset at the two girls with him because they were talking during the show. He repeatedly would tell them to be quiet. Really? I expect this at Newby’s or at a DMB concert but The Avett Brothers?

Why did I find it very sad? Well, I’m very happy for the band that their popularity is such that it attracts a large and diverse crowd but at the same time it does make me sad, yes. Sad because I can’t help but fear that such a rise in popularity coupled with the big studio record deal will in the end spell out the demise of their good music. As their audience widens so might their music to the point that it’s no longer the wonderful Avett Brothers that I love so much. Hopefully this won’t happen, they’ll be able to keep it together, and I won’t have to go through the heartache of watching a beloved band fall into the pit of economic greed and musical suck.

All in all though, they’re one of my favorite bands ever. I mean, I listened to their entire catalog yesterday, straight through, chronologically before I went to the show. These guys have some of the most heart moving music I’ve ever heard. I highly suggest them to anyone and everyone, even the frat boys.