Ramblings of a Depressed Monkey, Jacked On Coffee

Have you ever had an urge to just drive away?

I have that urge sometimes. Mostly it coincides with a low point in my mental status. I’m manic depressive so I get these crazy lows sometimes. When this happens I get really confused about everything. I mean, life everything. I start thinking about why I’m doing the things I’m doing. What’s the point? I mean, I’m just gonna die someday so who cares if I went to school, read this book or that, etc. I mean, why do I have a job? Why do I pay my rent? I think about these things and get sad. I get sad because if there’s no point, then what’s the point? I’m not making sense.

I had coffee with a dear friend who I want to more than friends with but at the moment we’re just friends and all but that’s okay because I’d just like to have this person in my life and that’s what really matters.

Rambling again.

We had coffee and we started talking about all of this. We’re both having serious issues with school. She hates it and wants to quit. I hate it and am wondering why I started again. I mean, I’m always bitching about freedom. Freedom from societal expectations, freedom from my boss and work. All sorts of freedoms. I mean, what I really want is to live in the woods in a little house that I’ve built, growing most of my own food and taking photos when I feel like it. I want to be able to sit with a mug of tea on a fall afternoon, watching to sunset as the air gets slightly hazy, enjoying the view and the moment. Not having to listen to cars and planes. Not having to stress about work the next day, or paying the rent. Or school. Or anything. I want to be free. But is this possible? Where does school play into this? Do I need an education? If I die before I finish school, will I have missed out? I mean, would it have been worth the delay on seeking my own happiness?

So I guess the question now is, do I just get in the car and drive away? Leaving all of the stress, responsibility and expectations behind? Is that possible or will I just get somewhere else and discover that I get trapped in the same situation? Is it possible to escape? Will it always be like this?

But what is happiness anyway? I guess for me it’s a sunset, my toes in the grass, and a woman I love next to me. That about sums it up. Oh yeah, and not having to be somewhere. I’m so tired of always having to be somewhere. Why are people always in such a fucking rush? What’s the huge hurry? You’re gonna die either way. Who cares if you made it wherever on time? What’s on time anyway? Made up. That’s what. When you’re dead no one is gonna be like, “Oh he was a good guy, always on time for work.” Fuck that. Who cares if you were? I’m more concerned with, “He was an alright guy.” Or… “That guy was happy.” “He didn’t let shit get in the way of happy. Of having a good time.” I mean, I go to work 40 hours a week. That’s 160 hours a month. 1,920 a year. I spend more time at work than I do awake at home. What is that? For what? So I can have this laptop I’m typing on? Who gives a fuck? Time is limited man. Life is limited. Get out and see the sunshine. I only have one life, why waste any of it?

I mean, will the job and school make me happier? What I really want doesn’t involve them. If I won the lottery tomorrow I wouldn’t buy a whole bunch of stuff. I’d buy some land and setup a trust that would support the modest things I would need living in the middle of nowhere taking photos of the beautiful things I find. That would make me happy.

Anyhow, I’m just way jacked on coffee right now and am rambling after a wonderful time having coffee with a wonderful girl that won’t date me right now and maybe not ever and we talked about life and what it all means and everything. Lo Fidelity style. I’m SO Rob.

Posted in Plans, Thoughts, Uncategorized, life | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

The Avett Brothers Live In Memphis

Avett BrothersSo last night I went and saw one of my favorite bands, The Avett Brothers. I’m not really sure how one pronounces that but, they rock none the less. I don’t really know how to classify them either. Country? Rock? Indie? I have no idea. Here’s what the San Francisco Chronicle had for a way to describe them.

[Heavy] sadness of Townes Van Zandt, the light pop concision of Buddy Holly, the tuneful jangle of the Beatles, the raw energy of the Ramones.

I think it’s fairly apt. Their latest album especially. They let loose with a lot more rock. The album can be streamed and listened to, in it’s entirety, from NPR’s website for the week prior to the album’s release, which might be today… I can’t remember.

Avett Brothers Rockin'The live show was really awesome but, in a way very strange and very sad. Strange because of the demographics of the crowd. I didn’t really expect to see so many frat boys and sorostitues there. Sure, not all frat boys are into Dave Mathews but still. These were just not your expected kids at this concert. I expected many more hipsters and folk hipsters. I didn’t expect to see so many women with shiny earrings and makeup on. Guys wearing khaki shorts and a Bud t-shirt. When the band played songs about deep, heartfelt love? The frat boys ate it up, singing along and cheering. I watched as some frat boy got upset at the two girls with him because they were talking during the show. He repeatedly would tell them to be quiet. Really? I expect this at Newby’s or at a DMB concert but The Avett Brothers?

Why did I find it very sad? Well, I’m very happy for the band that their popularity is such that it attracts a large and diverse crowd but at the same time it does make me sad, yes. Sad because I can’t help but fear that such a rise in popularity coupled with the big studio record deal will in the end spell out the demise of their good music. As their audience widens so might their music to the point that it’s no longer the wonderful Avett Brothers that I love so much. Hopefully this won’t happen, they’ll be able to keep it together, and I won’t have to go through the heartache of watching a beloved band fall into the pit of economic greed and musical suck.

Avett Brothers CouchAll in all though, they’re one of my favorite bands ever. I mean, I listened to their entire catalog yesterday, straight through, chronologically before I went to the show. These guys have some of the most heart moving music I’ve ever heard. I highly suggest them to anyone and everyone, even the frat boys.

Posted in Music | Tagged , | 2 Comments

This Is Just A Test

I want to see how the quoting is done on this template. I’d be willing to bet the punctuation doesn’t hang like I want it to…

Lorem Ipsum some kinda latin sound shit goes here and stuff.

So yeah, let’s see how this looks now, shall we?

Posted in Site Related | Leave a comment

Reflections On The Gulf

I went to Biloxi, MS this weekend to visit a friend that’s working for the Department of Marine Resources. I would show you a few photos but, I left my camera at his place. Oops. He’ll be back in town this weekend though so, I guess I’ll get it back then.

This was my first time visiting parts of the Gulf Coast that were hit by hurricane Katrina. I have to say it was rather enlightening. I walked around a bunch of damaged areas, played on house foundations, and chucked rocks into the ocean from what used to be a huge casino on the water. It was pretty mesmerizing. I mean, take the old casino site for example. Here it is.


View Larger Map

I mean, that’s just fucking huge. In that big puddle there used to sit and entire casino. I mean, hotel and everything. It was like 8 stories tall. They found it a few blocks inland. I mean, what the fuck? What picks up an eight story building that’s about 120 yards wide and 300 yards long? Sweet jesus. Now, if you scroll the map North a bit, you can see all of the house foundations. Now, the houses right on the shore were some pretty big and fairly expensive houses. The houses just a block inland though, those aren’t. I’m not sayin’ they’re poor people. They’re not. They’re working, middle class types. Construction workers etc. Good people. They lost a lot. I mean, a whole lot. My friend’s place that’s he’s staying in had about 4 feet of water in it. It’s just a few blocks inland. It was one of the lucky ones. I mean, a whole lot of people lost everything they had. It wasn’t just New Orleans. They got all the attention. It was much worse in Mississippi. New Orleans got clobbered with more a direct human impact. People on roofs waiving down helicopters. People wading through the flooded streets. Many people there were too poor to leave. Either they didn’t have cars or couldn’t buy the gas. What else were they supposed to do other than stay there? At least in Biloxi, most people got out. The thing there is that whole industries were lost. New Orleans thrives on tourism. If anything, I knew a ton of people that went to New Orleans just to see the damage and from what I saw there a couple of months ago, they’ve recovered rather well on that front. Biloxi though. Wow. There are still empty lots everywhere. Bombed out buildings in downtown. Gutted, fenced off. The firehouse near my friends place had no walls. I guess they figured they could do without them, put the money toward rebuilding something else.

In Biloxi, the houses on the shore, or near it, can’t get insurance. So, if there isn’t a house, there never will be again. Since no one will insure it no one will build it. Personally, I think that’s good to some degree. Let the state slowly buy up all of that land. Let them nurture the beach front and let it become partly wild again. If anything is built, let it be something like the Ohr-O’Keefe Museum of Art that’s being rebuilt currently (it’s effing beautiful). Or let them build things like the new visitor and tourism center. So far they’ve only bulldozed the site in prep or construction. I just don’t think there should be any more Waffle Houses, casinos, or shopping centers along the beach. Yes, there was a mall on the beach. The EdgeWater shopping mall.

Anyhow, I’ve blabbered enough about all that.

While I was down there I ate a shit load of fresh shrimp. We went down to the small craft dock in Biloxi and bought 4 pounds of medium shrimp and 2 pounds of large shrimp. We grilled the large and boiled the medium. We had what was deamed The Great Biloxi Feastivus of 2009. We grilled the large ones up with some tomatoes, mushrooms, onions and some crazy awesome marinade we whipped up from garlic, apple cider vinegar, fresh jalapenos (neighbor grew em), fresh basil and thyme (my friend grew em), and something else, I can’t remember what. We grilled em up real fresh. The medium scrumps we boiled but not first. We boiled a bunch of water, added the crab/shrimp boil stuff, a bunch of lemons, and some spices. We tossed in a bunch of corn and cooked it then drained it. Then we threw in some potatoes and onions. Took them out. Last we threw in the scrimps and boiled em right up. De Lish. Put those suckers in a big bowl, little more apple cider vinegar, some lemon juice, throw on a handful of fresh basil and you’re ready for The Great Biloxi Feastivus of 2009. Oh yeah, we smoked a bit before eating it too.

I also hung out on the beach at night. Went to the Walter Inglis Anderson Museum and saw some pretty trippy shroomed out art. Man, that stuff was freakin’ awesome. We also explored the area of Ocean View, had a po-boy at Fayard’s and another at the Government Street Grocery. All three towns (Gulfport, Biloxi, and Ocean View) seemed like pretty awesome little spots. I’m glad I went and can’t wait to come back and decimate some more shrimp.

Posted in travel | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Impatience In A Disposable Society

This, in reality, should be written into a much larger work. Most likely the collection of related ideas that I have should be a book but, I don’t have the knowledge, time or inclination to write a book. Instead I will herein attempt to convey some of the thoughts I’ve had about the state of society today.

Read More »

Posted in Dating, State of the World, Thoughts, life | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Trip To Scotland

So a friend and I were talking and we decided that a trip to Scotland should happen. Not just a couple of weeks either. I’m talking a couple months. I want to spend two to three months up there exploring, going to events, festivals etc. I want to meet people. Local people. I don’t want the tourist crap. I want the culture.

And I’m gonna photograph the whole thing.

And publish said photographs as a book.

Now, you may be asking the same thing my friend did. What makes my book of photos different from every other book of photos from Scotland? I mean, there are a lot of them. I don’t want to make a book of travel photos. I don’t want to make a book of oh-look-at-the-pretty-castles photos either. I want a true, book long photo essay. I want it to really explore the life, culture, people, landscape, architecture of Scotland. I want the reader to really feel as though they’ve lived there. I know that I still need a more specific focus for what I would be shooting. I’ll get there. All I know for now is that I don’t want your usual travel photography.

Posted in Plans, life | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

Stormy Weather

I don’t know about you but I love rain. Seattle would pose no problem to my psyche. I don’t just like rain though. I like storms. I mean big gale type blow you over storms. To me, there’s nothing quite like sitting on a big, midtown style porch with a mug of steaming tea in your hands while a blustery storm tears the town the shreds. Big huge rain drops that fall so hard the leaves on every tree in sight dance with the weight of a water blob smashing into. Then as you watch, the bright flashes of lightning momentarily illuminate the world in front of you in such sharpness it’s burned, for a brief moment, into your retina in such detail that you never knew existed. Just when you think that’s the best it can get, an explosive shock wave of thunder washes over you, frightening you in a base, primal, survival sort of way. Your muscles jerking and clenching your fist to the mug of tea, you can’t help but let loose a smile that slowly smears it’s way across your face; the final recognition that storms are really a good thing. They clear away the dirt, the dead, the bad and leave a freshness, ready to be spoiled again so the cycle can repeat itself.

Fuck, I want a rain storm already. Although I need a new porch.

Posted in Thoughts, life | Tagged , | Leave a comment

Lack of English In My English Class

So I’m taking an online course through the Regents Online Degree Program in Tennessee. I’m taking English Composition 1020 which basically means I have to read things and then write essays about them. Pretty basic stuff that I was doing in 9th grade. Well, this teacher keeps driving home the idea of checking what you write for grammar and spelling mistakes. Meanwhile, everything she writes has loads of grammar and spelling mistakes. I mean, she’ll leave out whole words sometimes. What the hell is that? So anyhow, it’s making it a bit difficult for me to take the woman seriously, not to mention it annoys the ever living hell out of me and this is the kind of stuff that made me stop going to class years ago.

Oh well.

Posted in School | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

Thoughts and Such

So, I’ve thought about the nights events a bit and also talked to an old friend a bit via texting. She’s gonna be making a pit stop in Memphis tomorrow for a flight so I get to see her. That’ll be nice. I haven’t seen her in forever and it’ll be nice to get a hug. She’s having a hard time with her marriage right now and spent some time at her parents place in Middle Tennessee.

Anyhow, girl I saw tonight and totally have a thing for. Yeah. So she didn’t say never. I asked, “Never?” and she replied, “I don’t know, maybe.” Regardless of what that means I felt sick and depressed. Nothing I can do about that. You see, this is why I don’t date. This is why I don’t ask people out. It hurts. It’s not fun. I suppose that if I were a person that didn’t care and just dated because it’s “fun” then it would be different but I’m not. I date because I really care about the person and want them in my life long-term. It isn’t some game for me. The result of course is that when things don’t go well I feel pretty awful about it. I’m not the guy that just asks people out until someone says okay. I don’t see the point in that.

So anyway… the thinking… She opened up a bit more tonight about some family issues she’s having. I totally feel for her. I went through the same stuff, I was just a lot younger so a lot of it went over my head. Maybe isn’t never. Maybe could just be, not right now, I have no faith left in relationships at the moment.

I dunno.

All I do know is that I think this girl is awesome. I think she hung the moon. I think she is the moon. I can honestly say that I’ve never been so attracted to a person before. The only possible exception would be the girl I’m meeting at the airport tomorrow. Nothing will happen. I have an iron will and she knows it. She’s married, even if she is seperated at the moment. I’m above all that. The girl from tonight though, she could very well beat out girl at airport. I mean, airport and I go way back and we’re super close. I’ve always been massively attracted to her but, the difference in her and maybe girl is that maybe and I are just a better match. Airport and I would never have worked. We work well as friend and were great as friends with a lot of tension but maybe and I, I think we’d work in every way.

Okay, enough of this. I haven’t eaten anything in 14 hours. Gonna go to Schnuck’s and get something to eat.

Posted in Dating, life | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

Well, that went well.

And by well I mean I got shot down and pretty much told it’s not ever gonna happen. That’s how I took it at least.

Posted in Dating, life | Leave a comment